I just read Marcos Rebollo´s “Los Hilos del Mundo”.  The book in general did not speak to me tremednously but there is a passage that I quite liked.  The main character Manuel goes to his abuelo´s village and is speaking with a friend (?) of his abuelo.  She says to him, “Todo el mundo tiene unos hilos que se sujetan al cuerpo…  Unos hilos que hay que atar a la tierra.  Algunos no lo consiguen nunca y andan por el mundo con los cabos deshilachados, como perdidos.  Tienes que atarte los hilos en alguna parte….A ti te falta encontar tu sitio y amarrarte bien a él.  No hace falta que tengas prisa, pero cuando lo sepas, no dudes en atarte.  Para que no se te lleve el viento” (p 107, Los hildos del mundo) (Everyone has threads that cling to the body…Some threads that one must tie to the Earth.  Some people never achieve that and walk along with the ends of their threads loose, like lost souls.  You have to tie your threads to a place…You need to find your place and tie yourself to it well.  Don´t be in a hurry, but when you realize where it is, don´t hesitate to tie yourself to it.  If not, you´ll be carried off with the wind)  I thought this passage was interesting because I´ve always expressed each person´s life like a thread floating through time and used that image to express the suerte we experience when we get to share our lives with people…ie:  that our threads collide and stick together for periods of time– some longer and some shorter.  When I read this analogy of life and “your place” as threads floating about…well, it spoke to me because I myself feel like I am an untied thread and I need to find my place.  And this time it´s not about my thread matching up with a person so much as a place.  If Madrid isn´t it, where will it be?  Is it New York?  Or some place I´ve yet to visit?  And how do you know?  Do you base it on your job?  the people you know?  the people (or significant other) you potentially/hopefully/theoretically have met or will meet?  What reasons are sufficient?  If you feel happy in one place  (ie: Carolina in Madrid) is that enough?  Is it greedy/egoist to think something could be better even though you are perfectly happy where you are?  Is it worth risking all that you have (and have worked to obtain–mostly i am referring to friendships/relationships-romantic, professional, platonic…) just to try something new?  I´m not sure.  I also don´t know what´s waiting on the other side of the charco…I don´t know how to make the right decision.

Last night my roommate and I were philosophizing about life and he said that many years ago someone said to him (when talking about choosing a significant others), “what´s your type?” and his answer was “that is ridiculous. i have no type. you can´t have a ´type´in matters of the heart” and his friend answered “why yes you can and you should because if you don´t know what you want, how are you goign to find it?”  Basically the friend´s argument was that the sea is very very big and there are many many fish and if you dont have an idea of what you want in a fish (to follow the metaphor) then you´ll be hungry a looooong time.  Last night when discussing this matter we decided that yes, you can apply it to men but you can also apply it to life.  If you don´t know what you want, then it´s quite difficult to go out there and get it.  My question is, however, how do you know exactly what you want? and how do you go out there and find it? (And I am talking about both men and in life in general).  I find the “how” quite mystifying.  And maybe you have some ideas of what you are looking for and hoping for in your life but how do you get all those ideas to mesh.  ie: for me, i want travel and languages to be a very important part of my life (and my *hypothetical/theoretical* children´s lives) but how do you find someone who wants to share his life with you and tell him, “oh and by the way, in addition to all these otehr really important things…here´s another oen you can add to the list. take it or leave it”.  And this goes for jobs (and many other elements of life) too.  I want to be a teacher buuut all the rollo I have to go through to get a master´s degree to do the tests to get certified…is it worth it?  or do i just throw in the towel and do something else?  what if i go through all that and by the time it´s over find i am over teaching??? is it possible that i will get over teaching?And then there´s geography…oh geography.  so i live in madrid and i am very happy in madrid so then i ask myself, “why in the world would i leave?” and “why do i even feel the slightest inclination to leave?” “do i think there is somethign else out there better?” (not so sure about that one….)  so basically my conclusion in all this babble is that knowing what you want so you can find it seems like a great idea.  if anyone out there can tell me how you get to a. the knowing and b. the putting it all together, let me know.

This Saturday I am supposed to have dinner with an old love.  It has been nearly two years since we have seen each other.  I don´t know if it is such a good idea that we are seeing each other but since we decided to end things back in 06 I´ve wanted to see him just one last time…so, seeing is believing, but if all “goes well” (and i use that term loosely) then I will be seeing him.  I´m not exactly nervous but I do wonder how it´s going to play out…only a few days to see. fingers crossed.

Yesterday I saw the movie Juno. I went with two girlfriends who chuckled at me and my tender heart because I spent the majority of the movie crying. I don´t want to ruin the movie for readers of my blog everywhere (all two of you) ,but I highly recommend it. I felt the depiction of American middle class culture was right on. I admired all the characters. And I felt that it managed to treat a very delicate topic (teenage pregnancy), without firmly proclaiming either a pro-choice or pro-life standpoint. It communicated the difficulty of the situation for all parties involved but showed both the pros and the cons of Juno´s choice, which I appreciated. Hope you go see it and it reaches you as it reached me last night.

Some people believe that in Spain many people keep parts of their lives “separate”. ie: Although you are friends with a spaniard for quite some time, he or she might not include you in their family life or professional life. Two “colegas” o “compis” in a bar sipping cañas, ok; but beyond that, mucha suerte. Well, maybe there was a time when I agreed with that idea but after three years in Madrid I´ve come to realize that while some people are that way (be them spaniards or otherwise), there are some that when you knock on the door, they not only open it but they also let you in.

Recently one of my good friends here in Madrid invited me to visit him at his place of work, Barajas airport. Was it cool to get to see operations and maps of sky highways? Absolutely. Was it interesting to know that there are control towers for the sky and controls towers for airport parking? No doubt. But the best part was the simple opportunity to see where my friend spends his work day, to meet his boss with the handlebar moustache and intense beard, to see the desktop of a wintry scene on his computer and where he leaves his coat while working and where he naps during his shift. It might seem inconsequential to some, but to me it was quite special. This friend has had no reservations opening up his life to me and by doing so has made me feel just that more special and content with my life in Madrid. He may or may not ever read this blog, but I just wanted to put the word out there for all foreigners living in Spain (and especially central Spain), that if you give people time, what they give you is invaluable.

Just a few brief comments on my experiences today with democrats abroad. they put on  a very nice event at star cafe in madrid.  i appreciate that they chose a location in a “neutral” neighborhood– a place that is neither suburban nor posh– and that it was easy to get to in metro.  Also, the room was virtually smoke-less (thank you, americans).  And what I appreciated most was that it drew a crowd that was diverse in age, race, ethnicity, and social class (or apparent social class based on clothes etc).  It made me proud to be an american and a democrat to see so many people taking the time to get out there and vote.  hope that come november people all around the country (usa) and the world do the same.

so, as a child, i was very particular about my pbj´s (which remains to this day a carolyn peculiarity).  No crust and cut on the diagonal. NO strawberry jelly.  In adulthood, I no longer mind the crust but maintain my proclivity towards diagonal cuts and NO strawberry jelly.  Another pbj particularity that has always bugged me is the mush.  The how-come-just-because-its-been-in-ziplock-an-hour-its-mushy mush.

Yep, so last weekend I went with my friend Katie to the suburbs of Madrid to go try the artifical ski slope at Xanadu.  When we were finished she whooped out the most perfect pbj ever.  As she gave it to me, she said, “you know how to keep it from getting mushy, right?”  Oh Katie, Katie, what a GENIUS.  Katie explained to me, “you have to put peanut butter on both sides so the jelly can´t get to the bread.”

Katie is a PBJ genius.  I am spreading the secret so all can enjoy a non-mushy pbj on the run.

So last night I went to a concert at this place called Sirroco in Conde Duque with my friend Dani and his friends.  It was a Guns n´ Roses cover band.  Dani and his friends knew more of the words than I did, of course, but feigned embarrassment when singing next to me for fear they would botch the lyrics (as if I would know…).  I had a very good time but what made me feel strange was when I first arrived and said hello to everyone (there were a few people I already knew) I felt fine and relatively un-awkward (as I sometimes feel in massive groups of Spaniards I don´t know) buuuut about 15 or 20 minutes in another guy arrived and when he did, one of Dani´s friends, Armen, said “Oye, te he dicho que voy a ser papa” and it took me totally off guard that a. he was serious and b. the woman next to him was not only his girlfriend but is going to be the mother of his child.  It made me feel soooo strange.  None of my friends are on that page yet (even the one that´s married…) and it totally took me aback.  I found myself thinking, “do people my age actually find someone they want to spend their lives with?” and “how does that happen?” and “wow, they like each other enough to have a child together?”.  These are in no way commentaries on Armen and his girlfriend (who seemed lovely) but rather on me and my state of mind with these things…I feel so far off from that kind of thing…I mean, I have at least ten years if not more…or will that ever happen to me?  I believe in love (as said in a previous post) but I think I just believe in it for others. No me veo capaz y cada día menos.

At the public elementary school where I work there are three “Auxiliares de conversación”, language assistants, like me- two american girls and one scottish guy.  Because there are so few boy teachers in our school and because Luke, the Scot, is a pretty cool guy, the kids are obsessed.  As he walks through the halls the “luke luke luke (imagine the u as an oooo)” chant dominates.  Last week, I looked at one of the third grade students, Daniel Diez, I´ve had since he was in second grade.  I said to him (in English), “what about me? what about teacher carolyn?” and he said (in English) “Luke is a boy and he is more interesting and more colorful”  Seeing that teacher Carolyn was not so thrilled with this answer Daniel Diez made sure to mend the damage he had done…About 10 minutes later he and I crossed paths in the hall and when I gave him the “that hurt” face, he said to me “Luke is more interesting but you are more beautiful” and he ran away.  Even though this was out of the mouth of an eight year old boy the combo of that it is his second language, my students are finally learning to SPEAK english and not just understand it, and that my student thinks I´m beautiful made that a freakin fantastic interchange.  So, bilingual education in Spain just ain´t that bad after all…

So recently someone named Pablo Cesar found me on skype and decided to message me.  Poor Pablo C.  usually I ignore those random messages (unless it is someone with whom I can try to speak with in portuguese).  But, for whatever reason, I answer Pablo C.  He is my age and lives in Madrid.  I don´t think he was expecting what he got that night.  Lately I´ve been pretty happy about me and my life but excited, well, not so much.  I just feel like things have gotten kind of static and I´m not sure exactly what to do to jump start my engines…That night poor Pablo C got a totally Carolina emotional dumpage about how life is sort of boring and mundane and even when things are good are they really or maybe they arent and how do you know.  Poor Pablo C tried to be a sensitive listener but actually, it was quite obvious, that he was quite overwhelmed.  Pablo C told me that he felt “pequeño” next to me.  I wanted to write about Pablo C (even though he will never read this and probably doesnt even known english) to apologize.  Although, if you are one of those people who randomly messages others on skype….be careful what you wish for you just might get a whole lot more than you were expecting.